Sunday, January 24, 2010

Is This Really What We've Become?

Because honestly, it's kind of disgusting and heart-wrenching at the same time.

I have spent 18 years trying (desperately, I might add) to make my sister happy. I have sacrificed my health, monetary resources, my grades, my emotional well-being just to make sure that she has what I thought she needed.

It was always a give-take relationship. I gave and she took.

I've been seeing the same therapist for 6 years and in all the time she has known me, she knows that I would sacrifice anything and everything for my sister. She does not approve of our relationship, in fact, she's been pushing for me to cut all possible ties with her.

And in August, when she moves, that is exactly what I'm going to do.

It's going to kill me. I can feel it already just typing this up. I love my sister because she's my sister, my blood. And since I was little, I've wanted nothing more than for us to be close. But recently, I've come to the realization that if I was not in any way related to her, I would not want anything to do with her. I would think she's a destructive, vile, awful person. She's toxic.

And as hard as it is, and will be, to distance myself from her, it's something that must be done.

If she calls me, I will not answer.

If she e-mails me, I will not open it. It will go directly to the trash can.

If she tries to contact me over Skype (which I know she has plans of to speak with our parents), I will not answer. In fact, I'll probably block her. It's called a telephone. I know my parents and my sister know how to use one.

If she so much as sends me a fucking smoke signal, I'll ignore it.

And I'm sure I'll have my weak moments and I'll want to see how she's doing, but I'll have to ask my parents or I will have to ignore the feeling.

I have always been the punching bag, the door mat, the available person when no one else is. I'm dependable and I enable her destruction.

I will not be available to take the blame for her anymore. If she hits me, I will not fight back. I will take it and I will use it to further my strength in distancing myself from her. (Unless there is the threat of serious injury, such as broken bones; which it wouldn't be the first time.)

She has aimed knives at me in her anger and I have let her. She took a baseball bat to my back and I let her. She has broken my glasses in her rage on more than one occasion.

I will not consider any relationship with her until there has been some change. Until she takes responsibility, until she stops using people for her own benefit, I will not be anything more than civil with her and nothing less.

I will cry and I will bitch, but if I want to save myself, I have to get rid of the toxic. I will wash myself of her and I will start over.

I am done.


Folk said...

Good for you sweetheart. I know it's painful and probably feels like a betrayal of blood, but the way she's been treating just isn't okay by any stretch of the imagination. You need a healthy atmosphere so you can move on with your life and focus on you. that's what is most important. I want you to be able to smile and relax; bake cookies and look forward to our trip.

You're doing the right thing. It's never okay to be abused by anyone. Family or not.

I've cut ties with destructive members of my family twice. It's hard and it feels wrong at first, but it makes you so much stronger and eventually you know you've made the right choice when you're happy and not weighed down by stress.

You know I'm here for you if you need me.

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