Friday, January 29, 2010

There's A Monster In My Head

I think I'm losing my fucking mind.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Is This Really What We've Become?

Because honestly, it's kind of disgusting and heart-wrenching at the same time.

I have spent 18 years trying (desperately, I might add) to make my sister happy. I have sacrificed my health, monetary resources, my grades, my emotional well-being just to make sure that she has what I thought she needed.

It was always a give-take relationship. I gave and she took.

I've been seeing the same therapist for 6 years and in all the time she has known me, she knows that I would sacrifice anything and everything for my sister. She does not approve of our relationship, in fact, she's been pushing for me to cut all possible ties with her.

And in August, when she moves, that is exactly what I'm going to do.

It's going to kill me. I can feel it already just typing this up. I love my sister because she's my sister, my blood. And since I was little, I've wanted nothing more than for us to be close. But recently, I've come to the realization that if I was not in any way related to her, I would not want anything to do with her. I would think she's a destructive, vile, awful person. She's toxic.

And as hard as it is, and will be, to distance myself from her, it's something that must be done.

If she calls me, I will not answer.

If she e-mails me, I will not open it. It will go directly to the trash can.

If she tries to contact me over Skype (which I know she has plans of to speak with our parents), I will not answer. In fact, I'll probably block her. It's called a telephone. I know my parents and my sister know how to use one.

If she so much as sends me a fucking smoke signal, I'll ignore it.

And I'm sure I'll have my weak moments and I'll want to see how she's doing, but I'll have to ask my parents or I will have to ignore the feeling.

I have always been the punching bag, the door mat, the available person when no one else is. I'm dependable and I enable her destruction.

I will not be available to take the blame for her anymore. If she hits me, I will not fight back. I will take it and I will use it to further my strength in distancing myself from her. (Unless there is the threat of serious injury, such as broken bones; which it wouldn't be the first time.)

She has aimed knives at me in her anger and I have let her. She took a baseball bat to my back and I let her. She has broken my glasses in her rage on more than one occasion.

I will not consider any relationship with her until there has been some change. Until she takes responsibility, until she stops using people for her own benefit, I will not be anything more than civil with her and nothing less.

I will cry and I will bitch, but if I want to save myself, I have to get rid of the toxic. I will wash myself of her and I will start over.

I am done.
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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Snap, Crackle, Pop, Rice Crispies! A Post in Which We Debate My Food Consumption & Lack of Discipline

Tonight alone I've been devouring everything I get even the teeniest craving for.

Within about 4 hours I have eaten 3 bowls of rice crispies, 2 English muffin pizzas, and zucchini and shrimp sauteed in garlic and butter.

It's official. I'm a bottomless pit.

Or as my sister would put it, I've been smoking too much pot and I have the munchies x3459347963957.

Or another theory,

It's the week before my period. I always get the weirdest cravings when I'm PMSing.

I want cookies...

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Saturday, January 9, 2010

He'll Make You Do The Macarena As You Rock Your Tamagotchi

In six hours, spread between last night and later this morning, I finished Shadows in the Asylum: The Case Files of Dr. Charles Marsh. Holy Hannah, I thought I might pee myself. Or at least while I was reading it last night when it was dark and the house was all quiet (<--Great setting for scary movies AND scary books).

It was a total bend-me-over-and-fuck-me-sideways kind of thriller. By the end of it, I wasn't really sure if the "hallucinations" were actually hallucinations or some kind of supernatural creature. Either way, they further my fear of the dark. It was messed up, end of story. Total screwed with my head but I liked it.

I'm thinking I want to start Unwind tomorrow. Maybe something a little thinner.


P.S. I've been writing again. The lovely and fabulous Ms. Folklorn's been fueling the creative fires. You can thank her later if this whole thing turns out alright. ^.^
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Saturday, January 2, 2010

I've been M-I-M-I-A

Psst! The title was a play on Old McDonald if you didn't catch that.

So, I've completed my third semester, Christmas has come and gone, so has the new year and the Fandom Gives Back '09.

The Fandom Gives Back was a huge success. I have been working on my auction items. The pillows are almost completed and I'm preparing to ship those out (Note to self: e-mail drscully about her pillows). I've been working on the designs for the quilts and I've started getting the fabric together (it's going to take A LOT of fabric).

I'm hoping to participate in FGB 2010 but I'm looking to complete everything for '09 first.

I just purchased my plane tickets for ComicCon 2010. I'm super duper excited. I've never seen the Pacific Ocean. I've never been farther west than Pennsylvania so this is all new to me. It'll be my first time flying by myself which scares me. I think I have more anxiety attacks about the crowds that'll be at the convention center than the actual flying. haha

I just want it to be July >.<

I'm gearing up for my 4th semester at UCB. All of my classes are online (I've always worked better by myself anyway haha) so I'm hoping this will be more helpful than detrimental to my SAD. For classes I'm taking: Intro to Human Sexuality, Intro to Philosophy, Women in Music in the 20th century, and U.S. History. Fun stuff.

I'll be taking on more responsibility at work, which means more hours (SO happy I got that pay raise in the fall).

Just rereading all that makes me want this semester to be over already and it hasn't even started.

I'm still looking into applying to Bowdoin and UMO but those have kind of taken a back seat. I'm also starting to think about getting another job. I love working on campus and they're very flexible but the pay is not nearly enough for living expenses.

I hate being a grown-up sometimes.

AND my sister is going to Farmington in the Fall. I'm very proud and excited (she'll be out of the house! woo!).

I can't think of anything else. Lot's of things have happened since November but my battery is dying and my fingers are tired. haha.

Oh! If you have a gut of steel (or buns, whatever floats your boat) check out Just Sleeping Awake, recently started by the lovely and talented Folklorn. She's mah friend ^.^

I think that's all for now.

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